Sunday, September 04, 2016

Welcome To The First Church of Tennis Officialdom

When I retired in 2010, I thought I was done with some of the weirdos that you see in everyday church life; but alas, I discovered that those same weirdos are officials/coaches/and players too!  Seems that those personality traits exist in nearly every walk of life and we need to learn how to recognize and deal with them if we want a happy life...

Here are some of those personality types that we find in our officials world:


Penelope "Panties in a Wad"

*  Every group has one.
*  Constantly bent out of shape over something real or perceived in their life.
*  Usually a female but there are some doozies among the male population too.
*  Nearly always an alpha male or female.
*  Usually overweight and smokes in private and secret.
*  Tends to sweat profusely when in the spotlight.
*  Everything in their life seems to be a crisis.
*  Noone knows what they are doing but Penelope.
*  Best to be avoided because they are impossible to please.
*  Bent out of shape because she doesn't get to chair the #1 singles match.
*  Stressed out and complaining because lunch is late in being delivered. 
*  Unhappy (and tells everyone about it) because the ref doesn't hire enough women.


Paul and Penny Peacock

*  Always dresses to be seen and admired.  The official who irons their underwear!
*  Spends more on clothes than they make.  Usually have credit cards charged to the max.
*  Loves a room with a lot of mirrors.
*  Struts their feathers when someone praises them.  Its that official who just beams when someone says they did a good job.  
*  Appearance is everything in their world.  Their ears wiggle when people compliment them.
*  Fall apart if they lose their appearance and can't make a good first impression. 
*  Looks great on the outside but not much quality inside. 
*  Easily depressed and frustrated.
*  Hate growing old and wrinkled.


Arthur and Allison Arrogant

*  Would run over their mother to advance their cause.  Everyone knows the officials like this.
*  Totally convinced that they are better, smarter, and superior to everyone around them. 
*  Always wants to be in charge of everything. 
*  Has no real friends because they drive everyone nuts. 
*  Has trouble in a rain storm because their nose is always in the air. 
*  They are the ones you want to leave off your guest list when you have a party. 


Allen and Abigail Argumentative

*  Just has to argue about everything.  Truth is irrelevant but the argument is what matters. 
*  Always wants to be a deacon in a church or head of the ladies organization. 
*  Their kids are usually downtrodden and play computer games all the time. 
*  Their parents rarely come to visit and when they do, its for a real short time.
*  They would argue with Jesus. 
*  As officials, they think they know every rule and want to argue with everyone. 
*  Can be a male or female.  Sex is not the determining factor with this bunch. 
*  Doesn't bathe or shave real often.  Personal hygiene is not a top priority. 
*  Doesn't dress well.  If they can't get their life in order how would they coordinate clothes.
*  Walmart is their favorite store. 


Ronnie & Rhonda Rabble Rouser

*  Can't stand a pot that isn't being stirred.
*  Never happy with anything anyone else does and tries to stir up discontent. 
*  Usually about a "C" level official and hates the "A" level.
*  If a female, they usually sing in the choir or are on the junior tennis council.
*  If a male, they usually get line 5 or 6 in a dual match. 
*  If a female, doesn't care much for their personal appearance.  Sowing discontent is their primary purpose in life.
*  If a male, usually wears tightey-whitey underwear.
*  Masters of trying to organize little pockets of dissent.
*  Never drives a new car. 
*  Credit cards are charged to the max. 
*  Always uses a manual toothbrush. 
*  Always the one who asks all the questions or volunteers their wisdom in meetings. 
*  As a couple, they seldom have close friends. 
*  Their kids only come out at night. 
*  Tend to drive an Edsel and complain about Cadillacs. 
*  If a female, tend to be overweight.
*  If a male, wasn't good at sports in high school.


The infamous Pharisee.

*  Even Jesus didn't like them.  His harshest criticisms were reserved for Pharisees.
*  Always sit at the front of the room so they can look down their nose at everyone.
*  Appearance and control are everything. 
*  Convinced that God should be glad to have them on His side. 
*  Think that all the good verses in the Bible were written about them. 
*  If a female, has to drive a Lexxus or BMW and have a maid.
*  If a male, owns the best jogging shoes in town and they always match. 
*  Tries to run and control everything they are involved in.


Nick Napoleon

*  Saved the best (or worst) for last because that is where they belong. 
*  Nearly always a male and not a good one at that. 
*  Arrogant beyond compare.  Controlling without measure. 
*  The one everyone avoids personally and talks about behind their backs.
*  Vindictive and snake-like in their personality traits.
*  Usually small in stature. 
*  Usually balding. 
*  Very little hair on their chest.
*  Normally has hairy knuckles.
*  Normally has little hands and feet and a huge ego. 
*  Constantly talks and dominates conversations. 
*  If an official, will be quick to let you know they are the best.
*  If a player, uploads a ton of pictures of himself on his phone.
*  If a coach, he's the one you want to avoid. 
*  Jesus didn't pick him as one of the disciples and wouldn't want him steering the boat in the midst of a storm.

No comments: